What I've been doing the past almost three weeks

1. Painting Smella's toenails. I picked a soft, pale-pink and she balked and insisted on the whore red shade. I won out.

2. Working. All the time. Still dreaming of the place burning to ashes.

3. Finishing up loose ends for school. I have an anatomy final in two weeks and one more paper to write for sociology. Can. Not. Wait. Until. It's. Over.

4. Celebrating the husband's 33rd birthday. I not-so-secretly enjoy that he'll always be older than I.

5. Fretting over not posting. Fretting over having nothing to post about. Considering never posting again.

6. Cutting myself some slack on the blog thing and getting a grip.

7. Hyperventilating about the fact that I'll soon have a two-year-old next month.

8. Enjoying the weather. I briefly considered rolling in the warm grass and soaking in as much sun into my pores as possible.

9. Deciding the neighbors don't really wanna see that.

10. Sucking it up and finally posting. Hope y'all are okay. I think I'm finally seeing a faint, tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

A day late

I meant to post this yesterday, but you know, whatever. I barely remembered it was April Fool's Day. Hell, I'm lucky I remember my name most days.

There were no big jokes yesterday, so I'll have to retell one from several years ago. I was pregnant with Smella and a stay-at-home-mom. The husband and I thought it would be heeeelarious to call and prank my mom. Because, you know, I didn't torture her enough by being an evil 14-year-old back in the day.

So I called her, went through some pleasantries and then informed her that the husband had lost his job. Yeah. She was upset of course, that meant no income or insurance for us. You just know she was wondering where the hell she'd put a family of soon-to-be-four in her house.

I didn't let it go on too long before I let her in on it. "April Fool's! Ha ha ha...ha..ha?" She sputtered a second and then HUNG UP ON ME.

I stared at the husband, open mouthed. I was hurt. It was just a joke! I didn't know whether to call back or write her out of my life forever.

I decided to man up and call her back. If anything I was going to holler at her for hanging up on me when obviously it was a really, really, really funny joke, dammit.

I dialed, and when she answered, she was laughing uncontrollably.

"What?" she said. "You thought I was serious? April Fool's ME, bitch!"

(Yes, my mother and I name call each other. Our relationship's a tad different, I'll admit that.)

And so ended my career of April Fool's pranks. I was so traumatized for those two minutes that I've completely learned my lesson.

Don't fuck with my mom.

Ahem. Hi.

So.

I may have taken a little hiatus there. Sorry about the lack of warning.

I've been...uh, busy? Yeah, we'll go with that. Also add in a touch of uninspired, PMSy, and real tired and that about sums it up. But I thought I'd come back to let you know:

Boobers is talking up a storm and will be TWO in a couple of months. Ow.

Oscar. Ugh.

Big D got on Google Maps the other day to show me his whole entire bus route. Fascinating and it cracked me up.

Smella? Screamy. Girly. Has door-slamming down pat.

The husband has been obsessing over the new Dora. She's not nearly as hot as Barbie though.

I really, really, really hate my job. Before every shift, I dream some one calls to tell me not to come because the store burned down. No luck yet.

I can't wait until summer break. For a multitude of reasons.

So there's that. I think the hiatus is over, but no promises. After all, some day the store might really burn down. And think of all the free time I'll have!

For those considering a smooshyfaced puppy

Get a short one. They can't reach the trash can and they can't do that awkward crotch sniffing thing to your guests.

They encourage your kids to keep their toys picked up. No one likes their toys slobbered on.

They have bad breath. The husband insists this is because they lick their balls, but I'm thinking if their balls smelled that bad that they'd smell like dog breath all over.

My floors have never been cleaner.

On a related note, Boober's face has never been cleaner either.

They'll chase your cat around. I guess this isn't a huge bonus, but Scout is getting some exercise and it's hilarious.

They're always so happy when you come home. Even if I've just stepped away to go take a pee real quick, Oscar does his happy puppy jump thing when I come back.

They give you something to blog about.

When their nails are a tad long but you can't find the damn nail clippers, they make a neat tippity-tap noise when walking around on linoleum.

And when all else fails and they're getting on your very last frayed nerve, you can stick 'em in a cage! I'm pretty sure it's illegal to do that to kids.

Random Tuesday thoughts

1. If you have a four-wheel drive vehicle and it's snowy out, do you feel it's kind of your duty to drive in the untouched snow on the roads for other people? Like, wussy rear-wheel drive can't smoosh down that annoying pile of snow in the middle of the lane, so you'd better take care of it. Or is that just me?

2. I love the words "epitome" and "rendezvous." I like the way they're spelled and roll off my tongue. There are others, but I can't think of them right now.

3. I have to watch either The Terminal or Dances with Wolves for my interpersonal communications class and then write a paper. I've seen The Terminal, and from what I can remember, it was Tom Hanks does Borat or something. And the other movie is FOUR HOURS LONG. Gah.

4. When I'm at the grocery store and some dipshit is blocking the whole entire aisle with their cart while price checking peas, I dream of ramming their cart with mine while shouting "MOOOOOVE" like Jimmy Fallon in this SNL skit.

5. Do you ever sit and think about how much money we give away to insurance companies for absolutely nothing in return? I mean yeah, they'll be there in case something happens, but for the most part, we just give them money for free! For nothing at all in return! I've never made a claim on my car insurance in all the fourteen years I've been driving. It hurts my head.

6. I wish I had blueberry cheesecake for breakfast again.

7. I have to go watch The Terminal now. At least Tom Hanks doesn't wear a g-string in the movie, right?

Feeling sheepish

Remember yesterday when I made fun of the weathermen's boners about a couple of inches of snow?

Well.

Big D has no school day, the husband is probably coming home early because only he and one other guy showed up at his job. My job is likely to call and tell me not to come in this evening. And all the major public universities are closed. I'm not sure I've ever seen that happen.

We're up to about eleven inches, and it's still snowing.

So sorry, weathermen. I guess you were right, even if your predictions were a few hours off. You sport those boners proudly while gushing about record snowfall totals. You've earned it.

Random Tuesday thoughts

1. As soon as I can get some pants and shoes on, I'm taking the kids to my mom's house for the day. We have a standing date on Tuesdays where she'll watch my kids while I do homework all day. Is she not the best mom in the world or what?

2. I'm taking sociology this semester, and I hate it. I thought it might be really kind of interesting and neat, but nope. HATE IT. It's boring. I fall asleep every. single. time. I have to read the book. As in, fall asleep on the book and then wake up later to drool-soaked pages. Ugh.

3. I know I was all "woohoo!" a little earlier about getting rid of the babies for the day, but honestly, I miss them so hard while they're gone. Last week I had raging PMS and actually got a little teary when I came home after dropping them off.

It's okay, I just rolled my own eyes at that.

4. I got Smella's hair cut on Friday. What was once half-way down her back is now a almost a chin-length bob. It's still curly and adorable, but it's not nearly as crazy. Surprisingly enough, other people get all WEIRD when you cut your own kid's hair. As in, "OMG! NOOOOOOOO!" As if they're the ones who have to shampoo and brush that crazy mess.

5. I made a blueberry cheesecake yesterday, and I'm wondering how bad it would be to have that for breakfast.

6. The weathermen were having to hide their boners last night while they reported we might get up to THREE inches of snow last night. THREEEEE! Oh no!!! Stockpile the bread and milk!

I woke up to a light dusting.

7. I'm totally having cheesecake for breakfast.

Random Tuesday thoughts

1. My sister got a miniature dachshund named Oscar. I WANT HIM. Only I'll rename him Mr. Snugglewugglecutiesmooshieface.

2. By sheer coincidence, my friend K got a Boston terrier puppy named Oliver. I've seen a picture of him, and I WANT HIM TOO.

3. Except that on Saturday night, K's puppy broke his leg. The emergency vet charged $350 that night, and she's going to have to pay to have it re-splinted every two weeks for a couple of months. Right now, my healthy, sturdy ten-year-old cat is looking pretty good.

4. School starts back up for me next Monday. I'm going to try to go full time this semester. I'm taking anatomy and physiology I, intermediate algebra, sociology, and interpersonal communications. Books for this semester ran me $818. Do you know what I could buy with that amount of money? I'm trying not to think about it.

5. I'm doing laundry today, and I'm obsessed with fabric softener. I'll cheap out on just about everything, but I only buy expensive softener. I figure if I have to do all the laundry, I might as well treat myself to some fine smelling clothes.

6. It's been what? three weeks since we've had our Wii? I still can't beat the husband in tennis, and I can't tell you how fucking annoying it is. And he gloats. What kind of asshole gloats to his wife? This just means that I have to practice harder while he's at work. I hope he doesn't want fresh smelling underwear any time soon.

7. I have to sweep and mop the kitchen now because of my lack of crumb-snatching puppy. But dammit! $350 in x-rays and pain pills! But ohhh, velvety puppy ears and soft puppy paws and puppy breath...

Three kids + fighting + screaming = bleeding ears

So Christmas was lovely and fun. The kids had a blast, and I've been busy drooling over and buffing and loving the new set of cookware I got. I know. Cookware. But it's some kickass Wolfgang Puck cookware, and it's heavy-bottomed and oven-proof and SO SHINY.

Things are slowly getting back to normal here, but I'm sure all won't be completely right until Big D goes back to school next Tuesday. Seriously, who starts school on a Tuesday? How weird is that? And why won't he quit making Smella shriek at the top of her lungs all day? And why won't she fucking NAP so I get at least an hour reprieve in the afternoon?

The mutha effing tree is still up, and I have no idea when I'll have time to take it down. Oh, sure, I could do it during the day, but the husband is at work. That means I'd have to do it all by myself. He's the one who usually hauls the boxes in and out of our storage shed while I carefully and lovingly pack the boxes up. From the couch. In the warm. So you can see where doing it alone would be a problem.

So there's my attempt at blogging again. I know, right? Lame. I promise to post something substantial and brilliant later. At least by Friday. Yeah. Or something. I have to go caress a stock pot now.

Sentimentalist

It's weird. Christmas is next week, yet I feel so freaking...relaxed. School is over, finally. I only have a few days left of work, and then I'm off pretty much all of next week. My shopping is done, and the majority of it is wrapped. All I have left is to cook and bake what I want and enjoy the babies.

And, oh, the babies. Big D of course absolutely "gets" Christmas. And I know I only have a year or two before the whole gig is up. Not that it stops being fun for him, but I know from experience that a tiny part of the magic is gone. I'm taking advantage of his naivete while I can.

This is the first year that Smella completely understands Christmas. We get gifts, we give them, Santa comes, cookies, wrapping, secrets...she loves it all. She one hundred percent believes, and it's so much fun to watch.

Boobers comprehension is limited, but he's loving the decorations and ornaments and exclaims "WOW!" at every light, bauble, and bow. I can't wait to see his face on Christmas morning when I finally let him open the presents I've been trying to salvage from his baby hands all month. I'm not sure he'll know what to do with himself.

So for the next week, I'm going to immerse myself in the holiday. Watching and feeling it through my babies' eyes makes it magical and breathtaking again. And instead of rushing around and running myself ragged, I want to slow down, drive around and look at lights, bake cookies with the kids, sing "Jingle Bells" at the top of my lungs, watch Christmas movies, and actually enjoy myself.

It should be a nice change of pace.

Random Tuesday thoughts

1. I know, right? Maybe I'll just post on Tuesdays. It makes things easier.

2. I went to my family doctor yesterday because all last week I kept having this searing pain under my ribcage and around my back intermittently. It looks like I have a bum gall bladder, but I'll know for sure on Friday.

3. Friday was my 30th birthday, and I can't tell you the asshole 30th birthday cards they make out there. And I know, because I got like, four of them. HA HA. Real funny, guys.

4. Yesterday after the doctor had examined me, he said, "Well, in people your age..." WHAT? SAY THAT AGAIN, BITCH.

5. I may be a bit touchy.

6. I've pretty much given up eating because everything seems to aggravate my gall bladder. (Jesus. I sound like I'm 90. Next I'll be telling you about my recent bowel movements and my hammertoe). Anyway, it's almost Christmas, and what with all the fudge and cookies and ham and candy hanging around, I'm pretty sad.

7. I've taught my 19-month-old "shoo." As in, "You talkin' all crazy again. Shoo." And Smella let out a "Oh, snap!" yesterday after I threw a particularly good barb and the husband.

8. The place where I work used to put red sprinkles on their holiday pepperminty drinks. They've given them up this year, and I don't know why. But what's hilarious is when a customer came back up to the counter, took off her lid, and asked for red sprinkles. She was well over the age of six, and I told her to grow the fuck up and go away.

9. No, I didn't. I apologized and told her the chocolate shavings we use instead are just as yummy.

10. Except they aren't.

11. I'm going to quit now. Shoo.

Random Tuesday thoughts

I should've done this a long time ago, but in case Keely hasn't noticed, I can be waaay lazy. (I'm sure she has but is way too polite to say anything.) I'm also not big on following rules, so while I'm posting completely random things, they have to be numbered. I hope this doesn't get me kicked out of the RTT club. (I'm totally shortening it to RTT because it's too much to type out. See? Lazy.)

1. Our Wii came yesterday. I can foresee many sleepless nights ahead. I'm also thinking I may lose a few pounds; that boxing kicks my ass.

2. I only have a couple things to buy, but then I'm done Christmas shopping. Then all I have to do is wrap the mountainous pile of gifts. I adore wrapping presents.

3. I hate winter SO MUCH.

4. Have I mentioned I have a cat? I think I have. Anyway, she's a cat, which is why I don't post much about her. She's an old fart now, ten years old, and she spends most of her time hiding from the kids. She comes out at night when they're asleep and does cat things...like shedding, licking plastic bags, and stalking random things. She also adores curling up on anyone's lap and purring, so that's why I let her stay.

5. In three days I'll be turning 30.

6. I can't tell you how much #5 bums me out.

7. The husband informed me that he's happy I'm turning 30 so that I can be old like he is. I really sort of think he sucks sometimes.

8. I have to go study now. For a psychology final. I only need 50/150 points to get an A in the class.

9. I think I'll probably just go play Wii instead.

Listy McListerson

1. I'm sitting here, taking a break from house-cleaning, eating a bowl of fajita lasagna. Perhaps the trashiest casserole I've ever made, but man. It's tasty.

2. You know what? I enjoy the Doodlebops. They're creepy half-puppet humanoid things, but their tunes are catchy. And that one blue Doodle? Rooney? You know he'd be HOT without make-up and puppet fingers. Rawr.

3. The husband took the day off of work to watch Obama speak in downtown Indy today. I can almost bet he only went so he could blog about it later.

4. I finally bought Halloween costumes for the kids. I actually didn't procrastinate this year, so Big D gets to be the police officer he's wanted to be for like the, oh, past two years. Wonder when the Mother of the Year awards are handed out?

5. Even though I can't be downtown watching Obama speak, I'm still totally voting for him. And unlike when I voted for Kerry, I'm actually excited to vote for him. I'd vote for whatever Democrat was nominated, but I actually like the guy and what he stands for. I can't wait for November 4.

Why we need a dog

or What happens when you skip a day of sweeping
or The cat really needs to step up her game
or You know your blog has gone to shit when you start posting pictures of piles of dirt
and I still need a digital SLR and maybe a photography class

Listy McListerson

1. I HATE Comcast with a fiery, red hot passion. I hear the other ones aren't much better--DishTV and DirectTV--but I plan on dumping Comcast just out of principle. I'm almost positive they employ the dumbest humans on the planet. "Oh, your IQ is 4? HAVE I GOT A JOB FOR YOU!"

2. We went to this place on Friday night to celebrate K's husband's 30th birthday. It was a lot of fun, and someone requested Ben Fold's "Army." Perhaps the worst version ever, but you have to give the piano guy an A for trying. I guess.

3. I had one too many mai-tais at the above mentioned place. I'm still paying the price of it. Big old wuss when it comes to alcohol? Oh, hi. That'd be me.

4. I'm on hold with Comcast right now. While I write a blog post. Did I mention I hate them? The last time I called them, which happens to have been Thursday, the person who answered was whispering. I had to say three times, "I can't hear you very well, sorry" before the chick decided to actually speak into the phone receiver/headset. And then she told me that she really couldn't help me with my problem. I Googled and found the damn solution myself. And I send in money to these people monthly. Really.

5. They couldn't fix today's problem. They'll be sending someone out on Tuesday morning. If that isn't some FINE customer service, I don't know what is.

Oh deer

We live in a pretty suburban area, but we're butted up against some woods. The woods are small and on the other side of them is another subdivision.

Yet we still have these visitors often. I think the two that came to hang out in our yard today were the babies I've seen hanging around their mama. These fawns have grown and their white spots are fading. I'm not sure where mama was, but they were feasting on my slightly overgrown yard.

NOM, NOM, NOM

Oh, shit. You're looking at us WAY too hard.

I call this "Deer in Headlights." Yes, I know there are no headlights. WHAT OF IT?

I completely want a pet deer now. Are deer like cats? If you whip out a can of tuna, will they be your best friends? These guys didn't seem to mind me at all. I stood on my front porch for a good ten minutes, snapping pictures. They would occasionally pop a head up with weeds dangling out of their mouths to check me out and then go back to eating. They got a touch nervous when Smella came out though, and they decided to nonchalantly walk back into the woods.

See? I have the best of both worlds. Deer in my yard and a Target within three miles. Woot!

Why I can't be bothered to post properly today

I've been playing Oregon Trail all day. Sorry. It brought back tons of memories of playing in my elementary school's tiny computer lab on computers that used Windows 2.0.

One word of warning: it's slightly disturbing and sad when you use your real family members' names for your Oregon Trail family. When it pops up "Smella has cholera" or "Boobers has drowned" or "Big D has broken a leg," I get a little choked up.

Listy McListerson

1. This is the first season that I've watched Project Runway from the beginning. I love the show (The one where they designed for the drag queens? I couldn't love it any more.) I know I'm the last to tune into this show, but bear with me. First, Tim Gunn. I do kind of love him. He's stuffy! But witty! He just attempted "Holla at ya boy"! But the thing he does that makes me (and the husband, who is groaning because I just ratted him out) snicker wildly is "Thank yoooou!" at basically the end of every sentence. That would be a fun drinking game. I'd be trashed in the first ten minutes.

2. Secondly, why does Heidi carry a purse/bag/clutch on stage at the beginning of the show? Yes, I know she's a model. I know purses are a major accessory. But it looks like she's headed out on her way to Target, but oh first, lemme stop here, chat with these designers and "auf Wiedersehen" a model. I wish we could get rid of Heidi and replace her with Tim all the time.

3. On Friday morning, I loaded the babies into the car, buckled them in, dragged all of our various bags to the trunk, and backed out of our driveway. I heard a distinct flubbaflubbaflubba and promptly pulled back into the driveway. My tire was completely flat. Holding back tears of rage, I unloaded everything and everybody to go back inside. Smella wanted to know what the hold up was, and when I told her my tire was flat, she bent down to take a look. "Mommy! It's okay! It just needs some fresh air!"

4.

These are like crack and should carry the "can't eat just one" motto. I don't feel satisfied until I've had at least four. Sometimes one of each flavor. And I really like to let them to sit out for a bit and get a little melty so I have something to suck up at the end of one. I make sure I save the green ones for Big D. He says those are his favorite.

5. The husband and I are going to see Burn After Reading with friends on Friday. I have a baby shower Saturday morning to attend, a kid's birthday party to attend Saturday afternoon, and my mom's birthday is Sunday. Wanna know what I really want to do? Sit at home in my pajamas and vegetate in front of the TV. Preferably with an episode of Project Runway while gorging myself on Fla·Vor·Ices.

Because the husband and I celebrated our 10th so hard, all you get is a video today

I think I figured out what all those Post-its I sent to school with Big D were for. Or at least, I kind of hope that's what they were for, because this video is pretty neat.

Random Monday thoughts

1. Man, this poor little blog. I've neglected her. But hey, my kids are mostly happy, the house is mostly clean, I'm mostly caught up on laundry, and I'm a week ahead in my homework. Soooo...

2. It really is the end of summer. I sent Big D to school in jeans for the first time, as opposed to shorts. I could just cry. I love fall, but the thought of battling winter that follows behind depresses me. The snow, the layers of coats, the cold temperatures. It just gets worse the older I get.

3. Also neglected? My TV shows. I'm three episodes behind in Project Runway, two behind in America's Next Top Model, two behind in that new series the husband wants me to watch, True Blood. And I'm sure it's only a couple of weeks before all my other favorites come back. Won't someone think of my television viewing?

4. K's birthday was August 27. We've still not gotten together to celebrate it. I adore her, but I'm still really bummed she moved so far away. I really, really hate being grown up sometimes.

5. The husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary this Friday. I have a three day weekend off of work too. I need to come up with something fun and different to do without it costing a whole lot of money. Honestly, just being alone, no kids, at a grown-up restaurant will probably be enough. We're easily amused at this house.