I highly recommend torture to overcome your fears

Ever have one of those "What the fuckity fuck was I thinking?" moments? Oh, come now, everyone's had them. I think my very first one with regards to the kids was the first Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. As Big D clung to my leg in sheer terror from the large, slightly musty-smelling rat that came to wish him birthday cheer, as the token-sucking game machines chirped and whistled, as the hundred or so children shrieked and screamed and ran around the restaurant, I thought to myself, "What the fuckity FUCK?"

Another one of my favorite moments was some time last summer. Boobers was only a few weeks old, and even though I was as sleep deprived as I've ever been in my life, I needed to clean the house. So when the Boobers went down for his nap, I dragged out my vacuum. Big D wasn't a fan of the vacuum from about birth up until age three. Smella never really seemed to mind it, and I don't know if it was just a phase or having a new baby brother that upset her little world, but she was acting scared every time I ran it. So as she sat on the couch, clutching her blankie, whimpering, I had my brilliant idea.

"Look, Smella! It's okay! It's just the vacuum. Look!" And I proceeded to take the hose attachment and vacuum my shirt a little. "See how funny? Here! Let's try it on you!"

SERIOUSLY? No, I can't believe the awe-inspiring stupidity either, people.

Smella screamed and then began sobbing hysterically. In a last ditch effort to salvage any trust she ever had in me, I turned to Big D.

"No, sweetie! It's fun! Look, Big D likes it!" As I turned to Big D, he ran in circles as I tried to catch him and just, you know, suck up his shirt a little in the vacuum. "No, Big D! C'mon, let me try it on you!"

My plan didn't work so well. It's lucky Boobers was asleep, or else I would have probably tried it on him. I was that desperate to prove the Smella the vacuum wasn't this scary loud device of torment. No, it was just a little Hoover looking for a good time. It cleans up crumbs and is great for parties!

Luckily, I don't think I scarred my baby girl for life. Smella's mostly over her hatred of the Hoover.

Although she still eyes me warily when I whip out the hose attachment.