Monday, April 14, 2008

I wanna take a nap for the next 17 years

I really don't know what my problem is. I just had three whole glorious days off, plenty of rest, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So here I sit, with a house to clean, butts to wipe, and dinner to plan, but I just can't. I only have three and a half hours before I have to be at work, and I can't make myself get up and DO anything except count down the minutes. I feel tired and overwhelmed. I feel like crying. I feel like I never have time to do anything. The husband helps out a ton, but it never feels like it's enough. Which pains me to say that, because I know he helps. If he weren't here, I'm pretty sure nothing would get done, ever.

I'm tired of having to work out of the home. I have enough to take care of AT home. Three kids, homework, dinners, lunches, mopping, endless piles of laundry, toilets to clean... But I have to work. I carry all the health insurance on the kids. We have a mortgage, two car payments, debts...blah, blah.

I don't think I've ever had depression before, but I think I may have a touch of it now. Between the kids, work, and money, I never feel satisfied or like I'm doing a good job. And it feels those three things are sitting on my chest, crushing me. All I do is worry and then worry about worrying and then try to hide that worry so others don't.

And I only work out of the house about 20 hours a week. Not even full-time. I don't know if I'd be able to function if I had to work full-time. Many props to those who do it, because this part-time barista, full-time mom, half-assed housekeeper is just about at her limit with what she has.


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