Tips on what not to say to your hysterical wife

I was headed home this morning from school and hopped on the interstate. A few minutes into my trip, my mini SUV started to shudder and sound like it might explode. I turned down the radio to hear better and nearly barfed. I was sure the engine or transmission or some other Major Car Component was about to blow. Except even I know most Major Car Components are located in the front, you know, under the hood, and this wasn't coming from there. I slowed down, and as I did, I figured out it had to be a tire.

In a sheer panic, I slowed down even more, frantically checking mirrors to see if I could get over. By luck, I was near an exit and wobbled over to get on it. I was hoping beyond all hope to get off the exit to a gas station or something, but the shuttering and gawdawful noise was worse, so I stopped where I was.

Upon further inspection on the side of a goddamn interstate with cars going way too fast, I saw it was that same tire that was flat in September. The tire place fixed that tire instead of giving me a new one which I still say is fucking stupid. It had a big, fat screw in the tread. Why risk patching that shit?

And did I mention that this tire blew? It wasn't just flat, it was completely shredded. Like, a wheel with large pieces of rubber hanging off of it. Like, if I'd kept going, there would've been sparks. Like, a rhinoceros had decided to use my tire as a chew toy. Like, I COULD HAVE DIED.

So when I called the husband, nearly hysterical and all shrieky, he told me he'd be there in just a few to help me change the tire. Because yes, I'm a dumb girl who can't do it herself. I know the mechanics, I've seen it done a ton of times, but hello...hysterical, way too fast traffic, shredded rhino tire. Come on.

Anyway, here's the lesson of this whole post: When your nearly hyperventilating wife whose pants may be a little wet calls you in a panic because of rhino tire, traffic, blah, blah and she's mad and upset and says, "I hate this fucking car! Hate it!" it is NOT appropriate to say all logically and superior-like,

"Well, it's not the car's fault, and that's totally irrelevant."

I mean really.